The Red Nail Polish Incident OR: Why I Can't Show My Face at Walgreen's on Pecos & Wigwam Ever Again

I totally almost forgot about this story. One of my Bee friends is pregnant and she was talking about the very difficult time she was having painting her toenails...well, I guarantee it's not as difficult as my first and last toenail-painting-while-pregnant experience.

So, to save money during my 9th month of pregnancy, I decided to paint my own toenails. Pedicures are $20 and I tip $5 (because they get out my ingrowns so well) and I was going twice a month. Add that up.....$600/year spent on getting my toenails painted. I figured I better start saving that money for diapers, butt cream (for both of us...trust me, you're gonna need butt cream on your own hiney after you deliver...have fun sitting down!) and formula and I decided to do that during my 9th month of pregnancy. Remember when I told you about pregnancy brain? Well that shit was in full force at this point and I was doing all kinds of ridiculous stuff (like one morning accidentally putting shampoo on my toothbrush in the shower instead of Colgate....and HELLO last night's peaches 'n cream oatmeal).

But back to my story.

Here's my bathroom situation.... Our house has 4 bathrooms. My husband uses the one in our bedroom and i use the one in one of the guest rooms. It's a messed up situation, but basically I don't like to share and I don't like to clean up after myself, so we use separate bathrooms. We don't even use the same shower. We each have our own. (and yes, we have two walk-in closets in our room and we DO NOT SHARE.)
I use the guest bathroom. In that bathroom, I have a little black metal stool that I use when I'm putting on make-up or drying my hair because I don't like to stand up because I'm lazy. It looks like this:

I sit on that stool and I usually prop my feet up on the counter.

Anyways, saving money meant no more pedicures. One afternoon while the hubs was at the gym I decided to paint my toenails OPI red. You know the one- the really really blood red one that makes your toes look slutty/bloody? That's the one I wanted. So I sat on that stool, propped my leg up on the counter and started painting. Now remember, I was 9 months pregnant and 50 pounds heavier than usual and had the biggest belly you have ever seen....

So there I am, big fat pregnant ass sitting on a rickety old metal stool with my leg on the counter, trying to bend over and reach my big swollen foot.

uh oh....what is that wobbling.....whaaaaaaa.....

BAM!

And I hit the floor. The freakin' stool buckled underneath my weight.

At this point you might start feeling sorry for me and wonder if I got hurt....Oh, boy DID I.

Down I went onto the tile floor and down with me went the OPI red. Not only did the glass bottle break and spill out onto the WHITE bathroom tile, but it somehow flung itself across the room leaving streaks of red on my mirror, white bathrobe I was wearing and bathroom rugs. I quickly scurried to pick it up before it could spill out anymore, but I managed to drop it yet again, only this time the rest of it spilled out on my leg.

*PANIC*.....no, not because I was worried about the baby (i knew she was fine), but because my husband was about to be home and there was red nail polish EVERYWHERE and I was all out of nail polish remover to clean it up. What was I going to do??? Well, kids...I put on my t-shirt and maternity shorts and hobbled it down to Walgreens on Pecos and Wigwam to get more polish remover. Let me paint this picture for you, shall I?

There I was, about a million months pregnant and running into Walgreens on Pecos and Wigwam with red nail polish streaming down my leg...from the TOP of my leg....and yelling at the 17 year old manager to GET ME SOME FREAKIN NAIL POLISH REMOVER RIGHT FREAKIN NOW if he wanted to live to see his 18th birthday. **Blank stare, cough** "Yes, ma'am...(trembling)..ok, ma'am..right over here, ma'am" "are you ok, ma'am" WHY are you calling me MA'AM?? Get me the stuff so i can go!!!

I'm sure it looked like I was giving birth right then and there, what with the red polish looking like blood and my belly being so large and me hee-hee hoo-hoo'ing my way out of there, but whatever. I needed to get this crap offa my leg and off the bathroom floor, walls, mirror and rugs before the hubs came home.

So i get home and basically soak my bathroom in nail polish remover and get everything out except the stains on the rugs. I really didn't think it was safe for me to soak my pregnant leg in acetate solution, so I googled how to get nail polish off your skin and decided to sit in a warm bath and let the paint chip itself off. OMG that took forever, so I started rubbing and scratching it off. Well, now my leg looked like it had been beaten to death because there was still big splotches of paint and now there was big red marks (almost bruises) from me rubbing my skin raw trying to get it all off to go with it.

I had to get out of that bath and get to Target to replace the bathroom rugs, like NOW. So I got the polish stained ones and put them in the washing machine to pretend like I was washing them to buy myself some time. I got in my little car, raced over to Target and demanded that THAT 17 year old manager point me in the direction of the bathroom rug section so I could buy a replacement. OK, great...they don't have one like what we had...so I had to buy something totally different. I'll just say I was redecorating (how's that for saving money?) and got these nice new rugs. Yeah, Good idea, OMGmom.

I got home, switched out the rugs, made sure all the evidence of the great red nail polish fiasco was gone and went on about my business.

Everything was working out and the nail polish did finally come off of my leg. Awesome.

Hi honey! What do you want for dinner? Ok..I'll call it in. Hey, can you throw some of my stuff in the washer with yours? Thanks.

Whew...I was in the clear. He'll never know.



***OH SHIT***

"Honey, why are your bathroom rugs covered in red nail polish and sitting in the washing machine?"

Operation Cover-up:FAIL. I forgot to get rid of the old rugs. CRAAAAAPPPPP......

Imagine how embarrassed I was when I retold the story about how I was bending over to paint my toenails and hit the floor because the darn stool gave out.....

The moral of this story, my friends, is to stop being a tight-wad and pay someone else to paint your toenails if you're pregnant. That, and if you want to show your face again at Walgreens on Pecos and Wigwam then you shouldn't assault the 17 year old store manager. (But really, he should not mess with a pregnant lady with blood-paint streaming down her leg. Just sayin')

Conversations with my Two Month Old

She's gonna hate me when she's older, right? Cause I make her do all kinds of dumb stuff like this:

Mia: Mom, I don't like pumpkins, this outfit is hecka short for my long legs and I just want to be left alone so I can drool.

Me: Ok, honey, but if you just indulge your mother for a few minutes I'll feed you again.

Mia thinks about it......

Mia: Ok, fine. But I want boobie juice, ok? None of that powdery mess you gave me yesterday. Are we clear, mommy?

Me: Smile for the camera, love. Kthanx. Yep.

Mia: I'll take my milk now, please.

My baby will do just about anything for some food. See those chubby cheeks? She's storing it up for the winter.

Things I've Learned So Far....

Here's what I know:

On Pooping:
1. If you stick a thermometer up your infant's butt, they will poop.
2. Feeding your infant apple juice will make them poop.
3. Making them shop at Nordstrom Rack will make them poop.
4. Your newborn will not poop on command.
5. Your baby will poop when you don't have any diapers with you.
6. From birth until about 5 weeks, your infant will have exploding butt syndrome- you wont need to wait for the smell or do the finger in the diaper check, you can hear it blast off from across the room.

Misc:
1. People will no longer call and ask how you are. They call and immediately ask how the baby is doing. I mean, nevermind that you just BLEW OUT YOUR VA-Jay-Jay (thanks Jenny McCarthy for that awesome visual) after being in labor for 15 hours with an epidural that WORE OFF mid-pushing having the baby, but yeah, you no longer matter. Even to your parents.

2. Your husband will do half of the night duty- changing, feeding, etc.- but they shouldn't. Ladies, this is YOUR job. I mean, you get to sleep all day while he has to work, right? You have the luxury of just hangin' out and playing with the baby and taking naps while they are doing the 9-5 dance.

*3. #2 above was a flippin' LIE. Your husband won't help you! And YOU WISH you were just "hangin' out and playing with the baby" all day. Wouldn't that be lovely? Instead, you are pumping, feeding, changing diapers, changing the clothes they peed on, changing the changing pad cover they peed/pooped on, doing spot check on the changing pad cover and clothes they just peed/pooped on, giving the baby a bath after she has just stuck her foot in the poop diaper, refilling diaper boxes throughout the house, trying to rock her to sleep so you can Facebook stalk your single friends who still have a life for 5 minutes on your Blackberry, washing bottles, washing your pump, clipping baby nails, snatching boogies out with that big blue bulb thing and yelling at the damn swing for having a dead battery yet AGAIN. Oh, and somewhere in there you still need to bathe yourself, feed yourself, make the bed, cook something edible, do the laundry, fold and iron the laundry (because you've been taken off dry cleaning privileges AGAIN), clean the house, put gas in your car and return the 15 calls from potential nannies, LabQuest who needs to be paid and your insurance company wanting to let you know that your 31 days are almost up and you need to get your newborn their own policy.

**4. Somehow you find the energy and strength to be a semi-functional individual on 2 non-consecutive hours of sleep. You're gonna look like shit doing it, but you WILL be able to.

*If your husband is one of those guys that lets you sleep while he takes care of the baby at night, I do not like you. If he helps you change the diaper and prepares your bottle for you in the middle of the night, I don't like you. If he picks up the baby so you can go get the bottle and hands you the diaper, I don't like you. Heck, if he even acknowledges that there is a baby in the room that needs to be changed and fed before they wake the entire country of Poland, I don't like you.

**If you are one of those women who leave the hospital looking refreshed and can put your size small Juicy Couture sweatsuit back on for the ride home, you should leave now.

Epi the A-hole Strikes Again

Maybe that jerk reads my blog, because lookie what I just got in the mail.

That's right. It's a bill for $150. And I put a frowny face on the check. You suck, Epi.

XOXO, OMG Mom

What's YOUR Labor/Delivery Story?

When I was pregnant, all I wanted to do was search the Internet for labor stories. I was tired of watching A Baby Story and thinking you went from 1cm to 10cm in 20 minutes. I was eventually banned from watching that show once I saw the episode where the baby was born without a hand (ultrasounds??). That was a fun prenatal appointment the next day.....I used to sneak and put it on TiVo and watch it before the hubs came home so he wouldn't see it, but he caught me red handed one day and gave me the "WTF-don't bother me with your ridiculous paranoid tyrants when you see a green baby coming out" look. I was also eventually banned from Googling after an afternoon of thinking I had killed the baby when I *accidentally* burned myself ironing. I burned my belly, people! What kind of idiot does that and who in their right mind would let them take a baby home from the hospital?? It wasn't all bad though- my dry cleaning privileges (I had to cut it out for budgeting reasons....) were reinstated about 5 minutes later.

So, I'm asking YOU, my loyal chickadees, to share your labor and delivery story. You can email me at mandybchan at gmail dot com. Be as graphic as you want and bring on the nastiness. Also welcome are easy labor stories that lasted a grand total of 5 hours, but I will (not so) secretly hate you and probably wish your baby has colic.

A Baby Story...Part 2 "Grossness Gets Worse"

So at this point I was on the way home from my last prenatal appointment, having just been told by the doctor that he was admitting me TODAY to have that baby. I was still bleeding from the thing they did with my membranes (still no clue what that is, don't wanna know) and I most definitely looked funny walking to my car...I was waddling, but combine that with trying to get comfortable after the nurses had just been all UP in my business and trying not to leak all over the place. Hot Mess.

I called my husband and told him the news and said I would meet him at home. My first plan was to go home, clean the house, pack for the hospital (ladies-make sure you pack for the hospital WAY in advance), have lunch and then go in. Wrong! Made the mistake of telling said plan to my dad who immediately ix-nayed the crap out of it. So instead, I went home and vacuumed (couldn't resist...I'm SUPER OCD) and waited for the hubs to pick me up. MIL was also on her way in from California so he stopped to get her from the airport first.

We got there at about 1pm, checked in and took pictures to start our full documentation. I say "full" because there was a video camera involved that caught the absolutely disgusting 45 minutes after the delivery of the doctor stitching me up. My husband has been scarred for life. I'll have to tell you that story....but first things first, my chickens.

Husband on the phone calling every person he ever knew in his entire life to let them know I was about to give birth. After the 3rd time he said the word "vagina" I told him he wasn't allowed to call anyone anymore and that he was limited to the words woo-woo and pee-pee. Don't hate, ok? Those words seem nicer to me.

Last belly shots before the madness starts: I was technically being induced, so I had to get hooked up to an IV of fluid. Remember this? It's the FAT MACHINE. Ladies, stay away from this IV. I have no idea what it's for, but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with that nurse HATING MY GUTS. It's the only logical explanation. I've had IV's before and that one hurt worse than any pain I had ever felt up until that point (much MUCH worse painful crap is on the way) and it made me puff up like a marshmallow! Thanks a bunch, nurse with the cutesy-wootsy scrubs. You're awesome.

Meanwhile, my husband is filming me screaming just getting the IV and making funny jokes about how that pain is going to feel like a breeze compared to what's in store for me next. I still liked him at this point, so I just laughed and told him to be quiet.

But then he made fun of me and I told him that if he ever wanted to hold the baby that he better shut up.It felt good to yell at someone. I'm usually calm, reserved and laid back but I was kind of stressed out that day. On top of all that, I hadn't eaten since 7am that morning, thinking I could just get a hospital meal courtesy of my insurance carrier once I got there. This was not the case since the mean lady with the IV and cute scrubs told me I couldn't eat until I delivered and that I would seriously thank her later for that. To add insult to injury they made me wear this hideous hospital gown that had no back. So picture me trying to go to the bathroom- I had to unhook the IV from the wall, hold the cord with one hand, push my IV stand with the other with my butt hanging out of the back since the gown was front only. How was I supposed to do my business like this anyways? **You should totally invest in your own hospital gown. It might cost a pretty penny, but you'll appreciate being able to walk to the bathroom without worrying about offending someone.

About an hour later, I was starting to feel better. They started the pitocin (drug that makes you have contractions) and it honestly didn't bother me at all. This was just like it was on A Baby Story.....you know-that show I wasn't supposed to watch? Yeah. I was gonna do this. My husband's friends stopped by with flowers and well wishes and I.was.happy! I came in to the hospital dilated at a 2 and by this point I was at a 4. Things were moving along!
Then.....the IV nurse with the cute scrubs came back and said it was time to break my water. She said she was going to give me the epidural first because she thought it would be easier to be numb and have my water broken. I thought she was just trying to get it over with before her shift change, but I kept my mouth shut and let her call the anesthesiologist.

About an hour later the epidural guy came in-let's call him Epi the A-hole-to start the numbing ceremony. He must have been dating IV cute scrub nurse because I swear they pow-wowed in the hallway about how much they both hated me and how best to make my labor experience a painful one. I don't know what I did to them, but clearly Epi the A-hole agreed that he did not like me either. I have to tell you this honestly, and some of you won't agree or believe me, but the pain of getting the epidural hurt the most out of everything that day. It doesn't bother most people because by the time they get it they're in full blown "i-hate-my-husband" labor and are welcoming the big fat long needle going into their back without getting numbed first. This is part of IV cute scrubs nurse's evil plan to sabotage me though, so she ordered the epidural when I was still feelin' groovy.

I screamed like someone was murdering me. For real, my husband was scared, and a little embarrassed, by my screams and evil facial expressions while I was getting stuck. Epi the A-Hole missed the first time and had to start over and IV cute scrub nurse was probably in the corner laughing at her successful plot of world domination. Where were my ice chips, by the way? Didn't I order those about a month ago? Snap snap!

I was pissed.

The epidural made my left leg numb and the right leg feeling like there were ants crawling up and down the back. I couldn't lift my legs at all. I was shaking- like twitching and having muscle spasms-so bad that I thought maybe I was allergic to it. I buzzed the new nurse (shift change) to tell her, and she took my hand and said "it gonna be alright. you not allergic to medicine. you just shaking. it completely normal. watch TV and take long nap." I liked New Nurse. She was foreign and sweet and fixed my remote control. She also brought me an entire pitcher full of ice chips and I was eternally grateful that she acted like she didn't see my hiney on the way to the bathroom. When I got back, she broke my water.

Ladies- Listen up!!!! When your water breaks, you will know. Don't be like me and call your doctor's office after you feel a little dribble of something down your leg. You just peed yourself. Relax, it happens. It happens more than once in your pregnancy if you are at all like me. Sometimes you will sneeze and pee yourself and empty your entire bladder all over your new $120 Pea in the Pod maternity work pants and other times it will be a small drip drip. Yes, you'll stick your nose in it to make sure it smells like pee and not amniotic fluid (like you even know what that smells like) and still be convinced it's time to go to the hospital. It's not. You're OK.

Like I said, when your water breaks, you'll know. They stuck what looked like a crochet needle up there and busted the sac...and cue GUUUUSHHHHH of water. OMG where did all of that come from?? I had enough water in there for an olympic sized swimming pool. Water was still spilling out 30 minutes later! It was warm and did not feel nice and I was glad when it was over. Of course, I had no idea when it stopped because Epi the A-hole did his job wrong and I couldn't feel my legs and I think at some point they gave me a catheter(? I'll have to check my sources) so I wouldn't go tinkle tinkle on myself. (*I'm being harsh on the epidural man, but 7 weeks later I am still having back pain from where he "missed.")

And let the really bad contractions begin! I'll let my face tell the story.....

Do I look like the picture of Euphoria? No? Well, that's because I wasn't Euphoric. I was in pain. Lots of pain.

Stay tuned.

*****I know I sound like Debbie Downer, and it DID suck royally to be in labor that long, but the reward was totally worth it and I'd do it again tomorrow. Well, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely in the next decade or so when I have forgotten about the pain.

A Baby Story....Part 1 "Grossness Begins"

I thought about how best to approach this post for a while. It could go two ways: I could tell you how amazing that day was and how everything was rosy and beautiful, but I would be telling big fat lies. Or, I could give it to you straight without self-editing and let you cringe and wonder who in their right mind would ever want to give birth.

If you know me, you know I'm for sure going for Option #2. Seriously, it was that nasty.

Let's get started, shall we?

Tuesdays were my regular OBGYN appointment days. I saw a perinatologist during my pregnancy, which is really just a fancy way of saying I got to have ultrasounds and fetal monitoring every visit. I always feel bad for people that only get 2 or 3 ultrasounds their entire pregnancy because I got about 20 of them. It was so nice to get to "visit" with my baby that often. Towards the end I was getting twice a week fetal monitoring as well. It's also sometimes called a non-stress test and that's pretty much what it was- a test to de-stress my neurotic tush because I'd freak out and convince myself on a daily basis that she wasn't in there anymore. I'd go in and sit in their posh, new leather reclining chairs, flip on the TV, put the monitoring belts on my belly and listen to my little peanut's heartbeat. I was having regular contractions by month 7 and they were monitoring my contractions against her heartbeat. We were both fine, but I was a teeny tiny bit anxious (that's a lie- I was obnoxiously impatient and nutso) about being pregnant so they made me do it twice a week. It was awesome, not gonna lie. They served me apple juice and animal crackers and I got to miss work.

I was scheduled to be induced on Friday, but my last appointment was the Tuesday before. I went in, sat on the fetal monitor, got an ultrasound and Dr. Awesome checked to see how dilated I was. I was at a 2 and 50% effaced. I was kinda mad because I had been at a 2 and 50% for about a month. 2 cm dilated means my woo-woo had stretched out 2 cm. You need to be 10 cm to start pushing or the baby wont "fit" out of...you. 50% effaced means that the lining of my cervix was 50% gone. The whole thing needs to be gone in order to get the head down. I'm not a medical expert and I probably only got half of that correct, but that's how I understand things, so I'm sticking with it.

After he told me some more medical-ish stuff about head stations and what-not he said he was going to strip my membranes. I have no idea what that means either but it has something to do with the bag of water getting separated from my lady parts? It hurt, too. I left their office walking like I had a poop in my pants and stopped by my job to get things in order for my maternity leave. I thought everything was fine and that I had a few more days until the big event, but my baby felt differently. On my 5th trip to the bathroom in about an hour I noticed that I was bleeding. It wasn't just a drop either. I was soaked. Sorry to be graphic, but you need to know. It's part of my story and helps me get to the point.

I called the doctor and he said to come back to his office. He checked me out, noticed how freaked out I was and said "How about we just go to the hospital now and have a baby. I'll call ahead and let them know you're on your way." WHAT? LIKE NOW? Like it was no big deal.

My husband always knew he would get "THE CALL" in the middle of work.

What happens next? Check back to find out. Pictures coming...And I promise they are the really ugly, nasty fat kind that will instantly make you feel good about yourself while feeling equally sorry for my uglyass.

~Pause~ For a Cute Photo

Hubs was sick the other day, but couldn't resist holding the baby. He put on a mask so he wouldn't breathe on her and get her sick, and she found it fascinating!

Mia: "Daddy! What's on your face! Is that your Halloween Costume?"

I melt.

Post Baby Doctor's Visit

Yesterday was my post-baby appointment with my Perinatologist. It was great seeing all of the nurses and ultrasound techs that took care of me and Mia when I was pregnant. I was hoping they would be the nurses assigned to me at the hospital for delivery, but I guess they don't do that. Throughout the pregnancy, they weighed me and took my blood pressure at every visit. At about 32 weeks, I weighed above 150 and I asked them to stop telling me my weight and to just write it on the chart. I planned to ask them my weight at my 6 week check up.

Well.

Not such a good idea, as it turns out. Rebecca, my nurse, looked at me with her sweet smile and goes "Are you sure you want to know?" My stupid self said yes.

I WAS 169 POUNDS AT MY LAST PREGNANCY APPOINTMENT. If you're counting, that's a total weight gain of 51 pounds. My baby was only 7 pounds. WHAT THE HECK???

I immediately texted my friend Tina with the horrific news and told her she could feel free to delete me from her palm pilot. Then she reminded me of all those times I showed up at her house when I was pregnant with Arby's, Taco Bell, Chipotle, Golden Spoon, Chili's, etc. and pointed out that I didn't exercise at all during those nine months. Actually, if I'm being honest, I cancelled my gym membership. I didn't need a monthly reminder in the form of a bank draft for $25 from LVAC reminding me that my backside was expanding faster than you could say size 12.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my doctor for putting up with my neurosis for the 6 months he was in charge of me. I would often go in there with a typed list of questions with concerns ranging from how we knew the baby would have all her fingers and toes to what would happen if I accidentally ate rum sponge cake. He immediately told me I was no longer allowed to Google or watch A Baby Story on TLC. I was also his first patient of the day since my appointments were at 8am and I'm sure he just loved getting his day started with crazy patient numero uno. But doesn't he just "look" like a doctor that delivers babies? For my first three visits he had on Burberry and Prada loafers (I think) so I knew he was the doctor for me. He also didn't tell me to get a C-Section so my baby "wouldn't have a cone head" like our last OBGYN. That jerk also told me I could eat sushi and drink coffee all day long. (FIRED). Luckily, we were now in good hands.

A few good things did come out of the appointment. First, I got to thank my doctor again for taking care of me and my beautiful daughter while I was pregnant. Second, they told me they would keep me on as a patient for the next baby and for annuals (YAY!!!!). Third, they told me I was down to 144 pounds. (today the scale said 141!).

They also said it was fine for me to get back into the gym. Maybe I'll forget about that part and pretend they put me on bed rest with a diet consisting of froyo, Pepsi and reruns of Pawn Stars.

Mia's Nursery

For family and friends who haven't met my cute little boo-boo yet, here's a peak into her nursery.  It's a work in progress, even though it's been like this for 2 months.  I haven't hung the artwork I got from Etsy or Aunt Jenny yet, but someday my friends, someday.

This is where I usually have to sleep because Mia makes noises and daddy is tired and grumpy if he doesn't get his full night's rest.  I was kind of mad about that at first, but then I reminded myself that he is the one that actually has to get up early and go to work. I'm sure your husbands have jobs as well and still help out with the the 2am feedings, but mine also works a night job.  So instead of being crabby about it, I just sleep in the nursery half the night.

Bed: from Craigslist for really cheap. We painted it black to match the nursery furniture.

Linens: White duvet and sheets from Linens N Things before they went out of business.

Changing Table: From Target.
Baskets from Pier One

Glider & Ottoman: Target, Shermag Regency Multi-position. I highly recccomend getting a glider and ottoman.  I spend 3/4 of my day in it!

Pink iPod Shuffle- A gift from Grandma & Grandpa Farm, pre-loaded with lullaby renditions of Beatles and Paul McCartney Songs.  Mommy is a huge fan and took baby to his concert when she was still in her belly.  You're welcome, Mia.

Throw Pillows from World Market/Cost Plus.

Lucy Brown Mouse from Pottery Barn Kids

Crib: Babies R Us.  I hate that store with a passion, but they had the crib I wanted.  Also, the mattress is a Serta Perfect Sleeper and it was about $75.  From everything I've read and heard from the doctor, the firmest mattress is always best, and is usually the cheapest.

Bedding: "G if for Giraffe" from Pottery Barn Kids.  I don't usally keep the Boppy Pillow (personalized from Pottery Barn Kids) in the crib, I just put it there for storage.  No emails please about the danger of things in the crib....or about the crib bumper.  I'm aware.

Armoire: Can't remember....but I painted it black. I mean, Bryan painted it black and I got him refreshments while he worked. He hooked me up with an awesome flat screen TV and DVD player so I'm not completely bored while I'm feeding her at 2am.  Thanks, hubs!

So, if you call to talk to the baby- which everyone does by the way...nobody calls to talk to me or the hubs anymore because we don't exist-chances are we are sitting in the glider watching TV.  If you call and I don't answer, it's because I left my Blackberry on the changing table and I am sitting in the glider nursing and my arm can't reach across the room to grab my phone.  Leave me a message.  You have about a 30% chance of a return call. 

Still Fat After How Long??

6 weeks? Crap! I thought after I had the baby I would at least lose a couple of pounds. UM, NOT SO MUCH!!! I think I was fatter after I left the hospital than when I went in to be induced. I'll get to that lovely story later, but for now let's focus on my chunk.

Pre-Pregnancy, I looked like this:

Dress Shopping, November 2008

Then, I found out I was pregnant (3 months before our wedding....nice) and started losing weight from morning sickness. I was doing pretty good up until the wedding in March 2009.

20 weeks

And then....it happened. I started gaining weight LEFT and RIGHT, FRONT and BACK.

30 weeks

36 weeks- Fat and happy!

Right before I got induced at 39 weeks

I thought I was overweight towards the end of my pregnancy. Looking back, I think I looked pretty good!

I've tried to figure out why i was so much fatter when I left the hospital than when I went in, and I think it can all be traced back to this photo. Here I am getting my IV of fluid, AKA getting hooked up to the fat machine. Remind me to tell you about that...

OK, I had a kid. Am I skinny yet?

Obviouly not......3 days after birth: Look at my belly.....did I leave another kid in there?? What gives??

I am not happy about this situation. Someone please help me.....


11 days after birth....getting better, I guess....


Here's the skinny(yeah right):

Pre-pregnancy weight: 119

Weight today: 148

I have no idea how much weight I gained during my pregnancy or how much I weighed at delivery because, frankly, I asked the nurses to stop telling me my weight after I got above 150. Don't get me wrong, 150 is a perfectly respectable weight for lots of women, but when you are a size 2-4 for most of your adult life, gaining those 30 pounds is a big deal. I hit the 150 mark at 32 weeks and I was packing on about 1-2 pounds per week. I'm cringing just thinking about it.......

Everyone told me the weight would just "fall off" after birth from going pee (the water weight from the IV of fluid), which was a LIE. They also said I would lose it quickly because I planned to breastfeed. Another lie. Honestly, the only reason I'm 148 pounds today, as opposed to being 160+, 6 weeks after birth, is because I forget to eat. You laugh, but it's true. Any new mom can tell you that you forget to do the most basic things in your life when you come home with a newborn. You're so worried about their feeding schedule and their bowl movements and changing their clothes that you'll go hours without eating and DAYS without changing your clothes or taking a shower. It's a miracle I still have a husband that wants to sleep next to me with this stench.

So today I will begin my weight loss journey. I've had success in the past with South Beach Diet and I think that's where I will begin. However, instead of cutting all carbs during Phase 1 (read about SBD here), I think I'll start with Phase 2 and just eat the "good carbs." Last time I did this diet I was a cranky hot mess. This time I've got a head start on the attitude.

Here's my goal:

In this photo I was about 122 pounds. I am 5"3 (almost) and have a pretty small frame, so I think this is a good weight to shoot for. Really though, the numbers don't matter. As long as I can get back into my clothes I'll be happy. Lately my wardrobe has consisted of 3 pairs of black stretchy pants from Lucy and nursing bras. I just don't even bother with wearing shirts anymore. I can't even fit into my maternity jeans that I spent $200 on. EPIC FAIL!

Hopefully I've got some readers out there who can give me some advice (and maybe some strong yelling at) to help me in my new weight-loss-after-baby-cranky-hot-mess adventure.

Anyone?

Hello World!

Hopefully this post will be the first of many....but we all know how reliable I am about updating blogs.I have no excuse for slacking off on the wedding blog, but I really do have an excuse this time.

I had a baby! I really did.

Here's the proof from the hospital.

And then we came home and got photoshopped and took some pics.....

This is Mia, short for Amelia. Born August 19 in Las Vegas. Her doctor was this guy and I highly recommend him to any high risk/high anxiety/patients over 35. I fell under two of those three categories and I'm not saying which two.

I wanted to blog for a few reasons. Here they are, in no real order:

1. Family and friends constantly want to see pics, but i can't ever remember to send an email. Also, if i send an email they might not understand how to view said pictures (not naming names) and will call me constantly asking ridiculous general computer knowledge questions. I've got a baby. I don't have time for all that.

2. I have a daily revelation, and it goes something like "OMG! WTF...I have a baby? Really?". I'm not joking. I really do forget. Like when she's hanging out with my husband and I get a minute to eat, shower or stalk my friends on Facebook....after about 30 minutes I realize I have something else I have to be doing....usually this realization comes in the form of my breasts getting engorged signaling the need to feed/pump or hearing someone yell out "Honey- come look at all of this poop in her diaper!". Funny how conversations between husband and wife change after you've had a kid, no?

Oh rats...she's crying....be right back.....

Ok. Her paci just fell out of her mouth and she wanted it back. I'm serious- If that thing falls out and she doesn't get someone to put it back in ASAP, she will scream and try to make you just as miserable as she is that moment. I'm definitely not in charge of this house anymore.

3. I need help & advice. For example, my daughter wouldn't poop for like 2 days and would get this sad grunting/straining face...so my Facebook friends said to stick a thermometer up her butt to get the poop out. Confirmed it with my doctor, and it was a miracle! Poop shot out immediately. Then, we had a heartburn issue and had to go to the ER. I should write about that.

4. I love my kid. She's as close to perfect as they get and she continues to make me fall in love with her every.single.day. I want her to be able to read this one day and smile...or laugh.

I'll try to be as candid as possible. I hate blogs that sugarcoat. Instead of reading: "Baby had a fussy night last night," you'll probably get "The baby did not sleep at all unless I was holding her or singing some awful children's lullaby in the wrong key. I swear she's trying to see how long I can go without having a breakdown. Then, to top it off, she pooped her diaper (after I JUST changed her) and stuck her foot in it and had to get a 3am bath. I am not in good spirits today."

I'm sort of cranky about it sometimes, so there.

I'll be telling you my labor/birth story, sharing wedding photos (and talking about how fun it was to be 4 months pregnant at my wedding.....), giving you daily updates on her development and probably talking smack about celebrity moms. WASSUP Britney Spears! I also want to chronicle my weight loss (or lack thereof) after baby. Did you know you still look hecka pregnant and fat after you give birth? Me neither, and I was PISSED!

Also, I want to share the types of products I use and have found helpful. If I get enough followers and comments I might do some give aways!

And there goes the paci again.....gotta run. Smooches!